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How to Be Good At Being Single??

Discussion in 'Dating, Friendships, and Relationships' started by Master-gauge, May 31, 2016.

  1. Master-gauge

    Master-gauge Well-Known Member

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    Since I don't see anything here like this yet.. I thought I would post this is question out there to the members..

    How can a man be good at being single and still be a loveable guy without becoming bitter and withdrawn over time??


    The reason I ask this is in today's world, a relationship with a significant other.. Actually caring for another person has vastly fallen to the way side.. Relationship's are things that are thrown away like old shoes..

    Me personally, there is someone I really want to be with because they make me feel something that no one else can or could before, I guess that would be called "love" maybe, for the modern day hipsters out there, lol.. The problem is I know I want to be with this person.. Making the honest efforts to build a life for them, and with them... But they will not even hear of it.. Completely freaked out over it, and now are very squirrely when I am around her (seen this more then once, I would say her nerves are shot!!).. I seen her recently, and in my mind I think she is finally "falling apart" it would seem.. She has gained 30 lbs, looks very stressed, tied, etc..

    This would be different if I was putting pressure on her, stalking, the long list along that line.. I'm most definitely not ether, because I care about her, I'm trying to make life easier for her.. I can assure u I am quite sane here.. I do not talk to her and have purposely gone out of my way for her, so she wouldn't feel that way.. I won't even be moving to that area so she wont have to see me all the time.. From what I seen the other day.. It's apparent she has emotional problems and I will be steering clear of that now!!! Other people have noticed this too and made comments, so it's not just me..

    So what am I left to do?? I love a person that doesn't love me, or even care about me as far as I know..

    I know I haven't tried dating again yet.. That is still on my table if I choose.. But I expect it to be a complete waste of time for me.. It may not be that in the end, but I expect nothing for my efforts in love...

    I'm prepared to have a life on my own permanently, as being single with just hook ups to take care of the "biological urges" until I'm too old for fun.. I get checked out enough when I'm out, for that not to be a problem...

    So.. How does one live a successful, fulfilling life by themselves... Traveling for Vaca's, going out to restaurants, going to event's etc. and not feel like a complete tool???
     
    Last edited: May 31, 2016
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  2. Mebs

    Mebs Active Member

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    Ooooouuuuuu good thread topic! I reckon Corvid will have a few interesting things to say on the topic as we have discussed it quite a few times together.

    A few thoughts of mine on the matter are that very often we think we need others far more than we actually do in reality. How often have you heard an ex say, or you have said to an ex, that you would not be able to live without them? Or perhaps friends in the past that you thought you were really close to at the time but drifted apart or realised that you didn't in fact have much in common with this person? Human beings are resilient as fuck, especially when it comes to emotions. We often don't give ourselves enough credit, particularly when it comes to relationships and needing the companionship of another in our lives. We adapt, we evolve, we deal the cards that are given to us, and we move on.

    People often try to convince themselves even that without their partner/friend/child/loved one, their life would end. But how many situations have you encountered where people do move on, do reinvent a life for themselves and do find new love, new friends or a new way to embrace life. Certainly there are people that just don't get over a break-up or the death of a loved one or family member, but most people do. We are all aware of the underlying grimace of death lurking under the shadows at every turn and we get a shudder when we think of the very loneliness and finality of it all. One of the very few comforts of that is establishing close bonds to make us feel like we are not doing it alone.

    There are a few parts to your question that I would like to tackle further, but I will just reiterate so I can gain some clarity myself: "How can a man be good at being single and still be a loveable guy without becoming bitter and withdrawn over time??"

    To begin with, I am not sure there is a strong correlation between being single and becoming bitter and withdrawn. In fact I have seen quite the opposite a good deal of the time with individuals that CHOOSE to be single and remain so throughout their lives. They realise relationships are not for them and that they do not need nor want them. Life is better and easier without them, so why would they become embittered because of this fact. It is only when it is not out of choice, but caused upon the individual, is there often the chance they will become bitter and withdrawn.

    Also, I have witnessed so many guys that are in relationships, married, have kids, and they are miserable. They become far more withdrawn, isolated and bitter than any single guys out there. They have no outlets, their former friends are dis-communicated from them by their partner, they are constantly financially strapped because of their kids, they stop doing the things they like and are often even forced out of the main living space in their home. They are nothing more than a wallet, taxi and maid in their own home. No options, just bleakness and having to make do.

    It is what you make of it, life. I truly believe that individuals who feel that they need relationships in order to fulfil their lives rather than want a relationship simply for companionship and the many other benefits it brings, are lost. Here I emphasise the differentiation between "need" and "want". I believe those that think they need a relationship in order to feel fulfilled then they truly do not love themselves as they should. If you cannot go to the cinema by yourself, or get enough out of life within your own company, then you will always be chasing fulfilment in another - whether it is your lover, your boss's appraisal, your peers' thumbs up and so forth. As corny as it sounds, I believe love begins with yourself. If you are entering a relationship where you "need" another rather than simply want to be with them then you are potentially setting yourself up for dramatic heartache down the line.

    I am in a happy relationship at the moment, but at the same time I would be able to live a happy life if I were not. I would still have a really good family, really good friends, I have a life I am happy with. I am (most of the time) happy in my own company, in fact I cherish it. Single or in a relationship, it doesn't matter, if you aren't at peace with yourself then you are not going to be able to be happy.
     
  3. Corvid

    Corvid Active Member

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  4. BurtMeister3000

    BurtMeister3000 Staff Member

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    Yep, as much as I love my family, I really do value my own space. I think society tries to reinforce the idea that men need women, but I believe in thinking for yourself and having your own independent values.

    I think we are always alone, whether or not someone else is in the room. This is not meant to sound gloomy, but just a reality, so being happy with yourself should be a priority before you can share that happiness with others. Share it with everyone as opposed to one.

    “We are all alone, born alone, die alone, and—in spite of True Romance magazines—we shall all someday look back on our lives and see that, in spite of our company, we were alone the whole way. I do not say lonely—at least, not all the time—but essentially, and finally, alone. This is what makes your self-respect so important, and I don't see how you can respect yourself if you must look in the hearts and minds of others for your happiness.” Hunter S Thompson
     
  5. Corvid

    Corvid Active Member

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    Right-on, an older friend of mine said that before - "We're all alone". It's especially true of men. I see older men I know, 40s-60s, and they're more or less blue pill. 3 of them are uncertain as to whether their wives even love them anymore. There's so much potpourri out there when it comes to women and relationships. As in, it looks ok, smells ok, but really it's just a weird basket of dried up crap that doesn't serve any purpose. It's fake. And you catch yourself looking at it in the bathroom one day as if you never noticed it before, thinking: "What the fuck is this even doing in my house?"

    Women and men love in different ways, but we've been bombarded with idyllic ideas about female nature, for example, that women are more loving than men, women are more caring and compassionate than men, women want good guys who love and protect them while being open and honest about their feelings. Mostly, the exact opposite is true, and some of those statements have key words left out that radically alter their meaning. Women love what men can do for them. Men love women, and instinctively serve and protect them. Women often build intricate social lives for themselves over long periods of time, based largely on image, whilst destroying the man's friendships and social life and replacing it with substitutes she approves of. Over time in a relationship, a loving husband will find himself more and more isolated from family and friends, and gradually disprespected and even ignored by his wife - unless she wants him to serve some purpose such as money, chores etc. The "ideal man", or adequate man is part of her image, at least in the early years. Women don't really feel the same way about men as men do about women. Women only seem to really get gaga over men that ignore them, men they can't have, men of a higher social station than them, men who are rough and aggressive, men that cheat on them, men that have lots of money. Money is a big aphrodisiac for women, as is social status. Women are repulsed by men that "need" them. They offer their version of love when they are being challenged or repelled by a man. Accept their love, return it, and it vanishes and turns into resentment, detachment and disrespect.

    Women often declare themselves to be the exact opposite of the way they really are, and believe their own falsehoods. They make out laundry lists of what they want in a man, tell everyone, put it in magazines, films, but they often want the exact opposite of what they say they want. They're not attracted to nice men that want to take care of them. There's no sexual chemistry there for the woman most of the time, no challenge. The male equivalent of what a woman desires in a partner, if the genders were reversed, would be a man meeting a 6/10 woman with serious behavioural problems. Over time, the man would retrain the woman, correct her behaviour, alter her appearance, and she would emerge as a 9.5/10. That's what women want in a man. They want a rough, rude, aggressive asshole that they can retrain into a nice guy perfect partner that only has eyes for them. Ironically, if they succeed in retraining such a man, they often lose interest in him sexually, lose respect for him and dump him. No challenge left.

    Master Gauge, you've asked some broad questions that require broad responses, will have to return and contribute more to your thread bit by bit. :thumbsup: (y)
     
    Last edited: May 31, 2016
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  6. Mebs

    Mebs Active Member

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    “We are all alone, born alone, die alone, and—in spite of True Romance magazines—we shall all someday look back on our lives and see that, in spite of our company, we were alone the whole way. I do not say lonely—at least, not all the time—but essentially, and finally, alone. This is what makes your self-respect so important, and I don't see how you can respect yourself if you must look in the hearts and minds of others for your happiness.” Hunter S Thompson

    Wow, fuck me, Hunter S. just encapsulated exactly what I was trying to say, but far more eloquently. Great quote. Where is it from?
     
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  7. BurtMeister3000

    BurtMeister3000 Staff Member

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  8. Lifeapprentice

    Lifeapprentice Well-Known Member

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    That is a very profound quote, one which most of us do not really want to accept, although I suspect if we could and if we overcame the fear we would let go of many different things.
    Master gauge, my two cents from reading your post, it sounds like there's quite a lot of sorrow going on, of course if one decides to live on his own because of a past failure or a story sad as the one you told us about then I suspect it would be difficult to go on and live a happy life with no bitterness. But I could be wrong, perhaps it would just be a matter of time before reaching the end of the slope and move forward again, on your own?
     
    Last edited: Jun 1, 2016
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  9. Master-gauge

    Master-gauge Well-Known Member

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    She has caused me no end of heart ache by the not knowing.. Or explaining to me really why?? That is single worst thing she did.. No good reasons.. But from what I have heard in comments of others about her, I think she has some under lying problems mentally, depression, etc.. This hot-cold thing going on.. When we first met she would hang around me very closely (my personal space) and talk, laugh paying attention to what I had to say, some physical contact.. I thought this was great as I have these feelings for her.. And she was giving off all the signs of wanting to go further..

    She goes very snaky around me now since I asked her.. It's too bad and it hurts me to think it's something like this tormenting her, with someone that is otherwise great individual.. I feel that no one is going to make me feel close to this again.. We all have that one in our lives that is the "it factor" or "the one".. She is mine without a doubt.. This is not to say I can't fall again (I know it's not going to be the same), or I don't end up married and 3 kids, but it seems right now that is going to be something near impossible..

    I've been alone on the relationship front most of my life, single never bothered me until "her".. Now it does.. I will likely put the effort out one more time before calling it a life on the relationship front.. I can't see me going past FWB with them otherwise, as is the way of the world today.. I'm scared to be trapped into one of the above mentioned marriages.. And it is extremely easy to fall into one of these once a guy becomes desperate (I'm not).. I want to know if I put the effort out for a women that it will not be for nothing..

    So the question is: How to become comfortable or make peace with being single in life if that is the path?? How do u give yourself purpose to know u didn't waste your time?? To be crude, I can bang as many chicks as possible be a "Charlie Harper" but there is still going to be that void.. How to over come it??
     
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  10. BurtMeister3000

    BurtMeister3000 Staff Member

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    I think you just keep on living life. Happiness is found in the moment, in the same way you're not going to never be hungry again if you've just eaten, its an ongoing thing that you just need to appreciate at the time. I think people even with the best intentions have fallen in love and made promises to each other that haven't worked out, nothing lasts forever.

    Sometimes life gives you lemons, make lemonade I think the saying goes. I think you just have to look on the bright side and keep on keeping on and enjoy the journey in the meantime. I don't think there is a rational answer that will satisfy a spiritual question.

    Personally I like the void, its my silent mistress and will be my lifelong companion through thick and thin. Just don't tell the wife.
     
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